A Rocky Love Affair

Evolution....  Little girl self-love… Wishing for boobs, stuffing bra with Kleenex before church (getting caught!) Thinking calves too skinny, doing exercises to build them up Sneaking on eye makeup (getting caught!) Crushes on boys, imagining kissing So eager to be a teenager Comparing, despairing

Teenage self-love… Wishing for boobs :) Hating my stomach, dieting at 13 Permanently learned the calorie count for every item of food in existence Bikinis, Mini-skirts, Hot-pants So eager to be an adult Comparing, despairing

Adult self-love… Wishing I could lose 3 pounds (THREE!!!) before wedding Stomach not flat enough Resigned to my boobs – no - starting to actually like Cellulite! Watching the years pile on my body, wishing I was younger (already) Comparing, despairing

Pregnant self-love Boobs! OMG – loving my stomach! Eating for two, mindfully Did I mention cleavage?! In.My.Body In awe…no compare, no despair

Wife/Mom self-love Gain weight Lose weight Repeat Love with the lights off Wishing I was younger Comparing, despairing

Older Woman self-love Still a wife, still a mom Healthy food, moderate exercise Thankful…for my loyal body, softer, rounder…comfortably sexy Love in daylight Comparing to the me 10 years from now … appreciating what is No despair

Grateful, joyous, loving, abandon

...Loved

King-sized Fear

My husband and I went to see The King’s Speech yesterday, starring Colin Firth.  It’s about King George VI becoming King of England when his brother abdicated the throne to marry an American divorcee.  He had a major obstacle to overcome before he could be effective…or accepted...in leading the nation and people he loved through war.  It was a fabulous movie and exactly the movie I needed to see in order to write this post. You see, last week I decided I was going to do an interview series based on people over-coming their fears.  I’ve lined up several amazing people who are willing to talk to me about this topic and how it changed their lives...

...And I'm afraid I won't be able to pull it off.

I love hearing about others’ lives and how they navigate them, but I don’t know how to interview!  How do I create questions beforehand?  How do I get the person to open up and really spill the beans?  How do I present it to my readers?  All these questions and fears about the process and delivery of said process…But that’s what this series is about – navigating through the fear - authentically - and it's important.

Often, we see successful people doing successful things and our minds tell us it must have been easy for them.  But is that true?  Especially in this era of social media, we usually show our best face, put our best foot forward, hide our weakness, hide the process of growth required to be successful - as we define success.

King George the VI had a terrible stammering problem…FROZEN with fear.  How familiar is that – other words to describe it? …stuck, overwhelmed, not ready.  Yet the process King George goes through to correct this problem – has to go through to lead a nation at war – does not include the elimination of fear, but acknowledging it, revisiting it, relying on supportive people, getting wise counsel, laughing at it, getting angry at it, and, especially (and especially funny) cussing at it!

And that’s what my interview series will be about.  We are going to hear the stories of some pretty courageous people - ordinarily courageous – super-heroes in a quiet and powerful way.  They show the heart of fear and courage, the steps one takes to get to the other side of fear - learning to make fear, if not an outright friend, at least a tolerable acquaintance.  Because we all know it will visit us again and again in this lifetime.

And even though most of us are not leading nations, we are leading our lives.

Stay tuned and join me for my first interview – in whatever format it is shared – as I talk to Sarah Bamford Seidelman, Life Coach, about her journey from respected Successful Practicing Physician to major woo-woo Queen of Animal Totems, Squirrel Radio.  It’s bound to be an enlightening, admirable, courageous and normal story of a modern-day hero.

How did you get to your hero status?  What fears did you stare down?  What is it like on the other side?  I’d love to hear from you.  Please leave your comments below or email me here.

A Tale of Glory - don't leave it untold

Why do we make New Year’s Resolutions?  I’m personally not that fond of New Year’s resolutions – even the word resolute gives me pause…because I’ve been known to fail, fail, fail to be as ‘resolute’ as I planned.  Now don’t get me wrong, there are many changes I’ve made in my life that took resolve to accomplish, but all of the really successful ones were not made on New Year’s Day. Would you like a new tradition on New Year’s Day?  This can be fun, won’t take long to do, and it can give you a very delicious new perspective.

Look back at the previous year.  Reframe the story of your year as if you were telling someone a story about someone else, unknown to you.  This person (you) has to be the hero of the story - include mistakes and disappointments, but include lessons learned, good deeds done, and successes, even if they are as small as you showered at least every other day or so :).  Remember, every great story has negative and positive aspects, so do your utmost to be objective in all that you did during the year, trying your best to leave your emotion out of it.  Instead, tell a great story and be the LOVING creator of your character.

When we look at ourselves this way, it is amazing to see all that we are and all we’ve accomplished!  And when we treat ourselves like an author’s lovingly created hero or heroine, we can have the author’s compassion and love for what that character’s journey.  We can realize we are exactly where we are meant to be, and sometimes we can see why.  The tidbits come together to weave quite a tapestry – usually of love and accomplishment and growth.

I have used this tool with some of my clients (more formally, of course, with pieces of their life) – and they love it.  They get to see themselves in a different, more compassionate, surprising light.  And they can give themselves a break and realize that, yes, they are on a right path - sometimes doing amazing things and making tons of progress without even knowing it - mistakes, regrets, successes, and all that involves.

Here’s to telling your story…the real story about you and where you are going and how you are getting there.  Be the loving Author.  Show compassion.  And get real about how wonderful you are just being you on the path you’re on.  It’s who we love!

And nice little side benefit?  You are creating the foundation for your next year’s tale, a tale in which you will see yourself more as a hero with fine, human qualities and goals and accomplishments…and you won’t even need a New Year’s Resolution to do it!

It is the Season...

It is the season. Lights, sounds, scents...

Subtle and easy, but festive, decorations...

Friendly, casual gatherings, grateful toasts.

Abundantly flavorful food, easily prepared...

Good times, kids home from college, lots of energy in the house...

Sound of young people video gaming, playing poker, pool 'tournaments.'

Long breakfasts, family dinners, fabulous conversations...

Board games, Theater, Movies, Netflix...

Joyful, less-is-more, shopping.

Allowing, relaxing, loving...

Enjoying, appreciating ...

Less doing, more being.

Wishes of Joy to those we know, love, and cherish...

Holding space to savor the most precious gift of any day or season...

Precious time with my amazing loved ones.

May your holidays brighten your heart.

A little Thanksgiving secret...

This year was a very special Thanksgiving, for several reasons.  For about 10 or 11 years, we have celebrated Thanksgiving with our core San Jose ‘Thanksgiving Families,’ the Farley’s and the Hauge’s, and the Kim’s.  But this is the last year we'll do this in San Jose because the Farley’s, founder’s of this tradition, will be moving to South Carolina and starting a new adventure; and we Droz's are not entirely sure at this point where we will be next year at this time...new adventures in store for us, too. Most of the time, we host the party.  We have a great house for this - not that big, but with a layout that has let the kids run from room to room when they were younger, a living-room-turned-game-room (who uses a living room?) for video games, playing pool, watching movies, games - just a kid hangout - and a dining room small enough to make it VERY cozy – in fact, when we include extra guests, we spill out into the foyer, moving  in the kitchen table to provide a dining room extension.

We all look forward to this day.   Getting ready is a labor of anticipation and love for all of us.  For my part, I clean the house (thank goodness for company coming because it actually motivates me), prepare and cook my portion of the food (including turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, etc) – then decorate and setup.   The other Thanksgiving families bring  wines, breads,  pies, green bean casserole, soups, appetizers, cranberry sauce, and on, and on.  ABUNDANCE GALORE!  There is much sharing and taking home of food at the end of the day, as you can imagine.

I had two goals this year… maximum down time to spend with our son who was home for the weekend (we decided to go to the new Harry Potter movie on Thanksgiving morning), and I wanted to be P.R.E.S.E.N.T…really present…with my dear friends for this probable last San-Jose-Thanksgiving-Families gathering in our home.  I didn't even want any help with dishes, pots, pans (because, really, the kitchen is too small to have that many people in it cleaning up – and this has nothing to do with any control issues I may have, by the way ;) ).

This is where my secret comes in… I did not decorate...I did not make my apple pie…and though I served up plenty of food myself, I did not serve as much…AND (GASP!, HORROR!, BLASPHEMY!) I did not prepare and cook it from scratch!   I have never done that before on Thanksgiving.

Who did the cooking?  My new Thanksgiving BFF’s,  Trader Joe’s and Wholefoods Market!

All I did was shop (one of my favorite things to do in this life is grocery shop)… ingredients for the pumpkin pies (my guys make the pumpkin pies every year – no work for me – and I decided NOT to make my ‘famous’ traditional apple pie!), TJ’s pre-brined turkey, TJ’s frozen mashed potato balls (so good, there weren’t even any left by the time I made it to the food), TJ’s sweet potatoes w/cranberries, TJ’s scalloped potatoes, Wholefoods pre-chopped onions and celery (this is was the epitome of cooking laziness, in my opinion – really, I couldn’t even chop?) for TJ’s boxed cornbread stuffing mix, and BOXED GRAVY!  That was it!  I opened everything up, put it into my serving dishes, threw together the stuffing the night before, and my husband rotisserie’d the pre-brined turkey.

Guess what?  Not ONE person noticed that I hadn't prepared those side dishes.  The rotisserie turkey was moist and delicious.   An apple pie showed up…AND in addition to all the other food, each family brought a surprise decoration - lovely candles and a beautiful Poinsettia - so even that was taken care of with no effort or planning on my part!)  We all enjoyed laughter, love, and hours…the party went on ‘til almost midnight, and I wasn’t at all tired from 2 days of non-stop cooking!

I didn’t feel like a failure for not cooking from scratch…I just love that I have evolved to this point - in fact, I welcome it with enthusiasm!

So, here’s to Trader Joe’s and Wholefoods for providing me with a way to serve a fabulous turkey and tasty side dishes with little effort on my part.

…and a huge thanks to the star of cleanup duty this year - my dishwasher - leaving us all more face-to-face, story-telling, blissful sit-at-the-table time together.  But mostly, here’s to the last decade of wonderful holiday memories with friends and family, a toast to the bright and adventurous future for all of us, and also to ignoring the holiday ‘shoulds’ and just embracing what really matters.

It's Bursting Out of Me

Grateful and full of love for…. My man, my rock, my engineer with a heart and soul and wit, even amidst all that geeky fascination with all things technical, steady and reliable, yet surprising me when I least expect it with a new aspect of his wonderful self, who really loves me and still thinks I’m smart, wise, pretty, sexy, and desirable – I feel the same about you, love of my life.

My son, my greatest teacher, who has shown me time and time again what it means to assume the best in others, to have courage in the face of fear, to find your own way, and to love with a full heart…and who, in all of that, has managed to bring me beautifully into the fullness of being a mother. You rock in ways you cannot even be aware of yet, love of my life.

My Dad, for showing me what it means to be loyal and faithful, strong in his beliefs - and immense courage and humor facing Parkinson’s - even to the end.

My Mother, for showing me how I wanted to be as a mother, and for teaching me the glorious art of sewing.

My Mom (in-law), for showing me how, even in the midst of many sorrows life has brought her, how to maintain a loving and generous spirit, and showing me I could have a second mom.

My Father-in-law, for showing me the courage of never being too old to make major changes

My brothers, for awesome childhood memories, their love, and for their loving generosity in giving me the coffin flag at Dad’s burial service.

My brothers’ wives, and their love for me.

The entire Droz clan, the entire Aderholdt/Ackerman clan...blessed family.

My friends for life, the ones I grew up with, the ones that I met as an adult and have become like sisters, or brothers.

The best neighbors/friends ever.

So many wonderful friends from so many places that are a part of my life - some occasionally, some regularly.

All my FaceBook BFF’s, you know who you are - I feel like I’ve known some of you forever, and some of you, I have known at least a very long time.

All my new FB Friends that there is never enough time to talk to and really get to know .

All my wonderful clients throughout the years, especially the ones that have become friends, and especially the ones that allowed me to be of service (and helped me make a living).

All my mentors and teachers from both the incredible coaching community I am a part of and the community of Team Northrup.

SKYPE and the ability to talk with AND see, not only my son away at college, but many of my friends…for FREE.

Unlimited texting (wait…did I say that?!)

A warm house on a cold day, and cool house on a warm day, freedom, diversity, tolerance, change, love, compassion, the ability to say I’m sorry, the ability to learn something new every day, the ability to be able to give something back and be of service, every day.

My health. My personal growth. My awareness. My learning moments.

The ability and NEED to be thankful, every day, and finding this process has changed my life.

Life is such a gift - that we very often take for granted. People come and go, give and take, love and leave…and we get to be blessed with that entire cycle, sometimes missing it as it moves through our lives.

I hope you all take the time to raise your glasses (no matter what liquid is in them!) during this time of world-wide, culture-wide holidays and family gatherings, be in the moment, breathe through your heart and say ‘Thank You’ to all you are grateful for.

Re-Vamping (with a little help from my friends)

I thought about not posting this…in fact, wrote it a week ago and thought "too close to home…same old stuff" – then I read Laurie Foley’s Blog, and I thought, ok.  Suck it up.  Be you.  So here's the updated version. Our home seems a lot emptier.  I totally miss seeing my son’s smiling (or tired!) face every day.   I don’t cook as much :( .  I don’t get to grocery shop as much (one of my favorite things…really!).  No kids playing pool or poker on weekend nights.  I miss my position as mom.  Being a mom really was my calling, my purpose, my passion (surprised me!).  Will I ever have that kind of enthusiastic, sustainable passion about a calling again?

All of that is true, yes.  However, I’m handling this empty nest far better than I expected.  Here’s why…

• Prep, prep, and more prep (really…I’ve been prepping for this for 4 years while staying present on the journey.)  One of the best things I did was to attend Coach Eve Giovenco’s tele-class, ‘Empty Nest,’ and also get individual coaching from her.  That made a huge difference in my letting go gracefully and less painfully.
• Phone call, first week, from Evan - relaying all the ‘amazing’ things he’s doing.  Skyping him from our family room on big screen TV.  Trip down there this last weekend to deliver his bike and the ‘really needed’ xbox.  All the hugging I got to do in person…after all, I hadn’t seen him in two whole weeks!
• Tim and I are experiencing ourselves as a couple again, and it’s been feeling very sweet, very loving (whew!).
• The bathroom with a bathtub is all mine now (mwah, ha, ha!)  Of our two bathrooms, the ‘Evan/Guest’ bath was a room most often not as clean as I would like – well, he is a teenage boy (excuse the generalization).  Now?   It’s a sanctuary…clean, neat, with a bunch of remote control candles (yes! remote control!)…several ON THE TUB.  And I take baths whenever I feel like it without even having to clean first!
• Less housework…less laundry…lower food bills…lower electric bills…lower WATER bills (lol), and NO ARGUING about chores (well, because my husband and I now do them…any suggestions on how to enlist the dog’s help?).

There was one big glitch.

The day I cleaned Evan’s room, stripping the bed, clearing the chaos of his moving endeavor, I felt … Empty.  Missing.  Loving.  I thought, “feel the feelings” – so I sat with them…and cried.  Just watched the thoughts, honoring them, working them through - some were ridiculous sounding even as I thought them, as in “I’m useless now” - ?? - geeesh!

Reality?  I can be ok with missing him terribly (and I do, some days more than others) he’s safe, he’s having fun, he’s being challenged (oh baby…the homework!)  ‘Mom, it’s not like highschool.  I can’t just put any answer down and expect a good grade!’  hmmm…

And my life is moving forward...definitely evolving.  Oh yeah, and I’m working on my website with the fabulous Nona Jordan!  How exciting is that!!!  (Look for the debut – end of month!)

‘Til next time.  (And thanks, Laurie Foley)

Now What?

We dropped our son off at CalPoly yesterday.  Ok, let’s reword that…We did NOT drop him off - we moved him in.  Started around 9:30, left at 4…not quite a drop off! We had read we should just drop him off, unpack, let him sort out his room.  Instead, I asked our son what he would like.  “Do you want us to help unpack?”  “Do you want me to put your clothes away?”  and “I really want to make your bed for you, is that ok?”

Once he and his roommate figured out the layout of the room, getting creative because of, yes, the lack of electrical outlets, we got busy ‘setting him up.’

The 3 of us unpacked, put things away, organized drawers, decided where lamps went, took out snacks, stored things under the bed.  His dad helped him set up the computer.

And I made the bed…made it as comfy as possible with a mattress topper (oh, those ugly navy blue vinyl mattresses), fluffy mattress pad, new cotton knit sheets, soft comforter.

Making his bed was important to me, above and beyond the rest - it had to do with his comfort, and how well he would sleep (which makes me laugh knowing he will probably be up all night and only getting very few hours of sleep…but those hours will be comfortable and warm and cozy – like home!)

And as I wandered the dorm, passed other rooms, talked to other parents, watched his roommate’s mom, I noticed making the bed seemed to be an important task to every other mom on the floor.

Important to bring an intimate ‘piece’ of home for our boys, trying to replicate a bit of the place where we had read to them, sang to them, stroked their hair, cuddled them, often gently waking them up to get ready for school as they got older, and even recently, where we still had some of the best conversations at the end of the day, or the middle of the night when we got up to go to the bathroom and noticed their light still on in their rooms.

… It was the best day.  Six hours went by quickly.  We were done.  It was time to go.  Our son asked us to close his dorm room door so we could have some privacy.

He hugged us both so tightly and told us how much he will miss us.  How different this will be.  How excited he was about being there.  How nice his room looked.  How comfy the bed looked :).  And how he liked being sandwiched between 2 floors of all girls :) !  He said how much he loved us.  He got tears in his eyes.  We all did.

But I did not get the ugly face (I did that yesterday in the privacy of our own home, telling him how excited I was for him, how big a piece of my heart he has, and how I will miss him.)

He put drops in his eyes, and he walked us to our car for one last hug - “this feels like it happened all of a sudden,” he said.

Yes.  Suddenly after 18 years.  Then here he is, a man, on his own, excited (and maybe a teeny bit nervous.)

With much love and pride, we watched him go back across the street and up the stairs.  We looked at each other, smiled, sighed, and left the CalPoly campus.

3 hour-drive, on to the next chapter, talking with each other almost the whole way, and not at all totally about our son.  Got Chipotle takeout and came home...to a slightly emptier space.

Now what?  I’m not totally sure.

But I do, with certainty, know that we are all ok.