It's Better to Give than What?

Caring for family…Friend in trouble… Client in need… Spouse over-worked… Child wants help with homework… Another Mom can’t do carpool... PRESTO!

There we are, the “I’ll-be-there-for-you” women…super-hero giver, offering comfort, advice, support, food…no matter what we are in the middle of, no matter if we, ourselves, are in need….no matter what.

Does this describe you?

You believe it’s better to give than to receive.

You feel great satisfaction in being selfless.

You like to show your love by giving to others.

You get secret comfort from being in control.

You think people will like you.

You have a hard time asking for what you need…for what you want.

This has certainly has been me.  For most of my life.

Consider this…by receiving, you give much

A year ago I had a physical injury – and it brought me to a standstill...enforced stillness.  I couldn’t exercise, I couldn’t clean the house, I could not bend my knee...difficulty walking, difficulty standing for long periods, difficulty sleeping without pain unless I was very still.  Some days, I couldn’t even drive.  I couldn't do all the things I had planned to help my son prepare for his move to college - his freshman year!

I.did.not.like. 

I could barely tolerate the mere thought of letting my family do everything that I normally do.

But they were eager.  EAGER to be able to give to me in the way I always gave to them.  EAGER to be able to take care of me for a change - to show, in a different than the usual way, their love for me – their ability to care for and nurture and support me, physically and emotionally.

And that’s when it became crystal clear…

One of the biggest gifts I could give them, and myself, was to let them do this and accept it graciously and with much love.  When I received from them the kind of caring that I am usually the master of, it let them see a side of themselves they liked.  It showed them they are capable of nurturing and supporting in the most basic, physical sense, and it added to their power-base of human-ness.  And it helped me heal in a profound way...many ways.

My ability, reluctantly at first, to receive turned into a gift of love and caring - without any action on my part – for both myself and my family.

The ability to receive can be one of the most loving gifts you can give.  I'm not perfect at it yet.  Far from.  But it's getting easier.

Try it, with sensitivity that it's a new way of being for you, and it may take a little while for you and those who love you to get comfortable with it.

Now...about being able to ask…working on that!  ;-)

Reluctant Lover

Technology sucks. This is what I used to think.

For a long time, I’ve complained about technology…how complicated it can be, easier to use a paper calendar, how much it intrudes in our lives.  Really…just a crank about it.  You’d never know I was a software developer in a previous life.

Then it started to slowly change.

I resisted getting a cell phone… if people want to reach me they’ll call the house and leave a message.  But I acquiesced and found a lovely freedom by being able to communicate when I was not home without having to dig for a quarter to use the pay phone – and now pay phones barely exist.

Then it was my idea to get our son a cell phone when he was in the 4^th grade.  It was the year of 9/11, and we were all a little fearful - couldn’t exactly pinpoint the fear all the time, but if we could reach each other, when running late for example, it felt better.

The ability to start my own business as a VA for non-profit organizations was only doable because of PC’s and the internet, cell phones, and knowledge of maintaining websites…and that’s what enabled me to be a work-at-home mom.

Texting?  Oh, I used to get so annoyed when my son would text a friend instead of calling…how were these kids ever going to learn to communicate as humans?  But now I’m hooked… it’s a great way for me to contact my son when the need presents itself, or to text my husband with a list when he offers to stop at the grocery store or for takeout on his way home from work - and now I just text friends to check in and say hi.  Who knew?

Classes on line, forums on the internet, webinars, Facebook, Words with Friends…

…and Skype!  Skype is my absolute favorite.  I truly disliked it when I first tried it with a friend from the UK.  He wouldn’t communicate any other way, though, so I had to sign up and give it a try.  I’m delighted I did because it has meant free computer-to-computer calls to friends all over the world, coaching clients on line, and face-to-face time with our son during his first year of college.

But finally, these past 3 weeks have made it very clear to me that I’ve just been a reluctant lover – trying to resist the inevitable pull of technology’s charms.

After picking up my son up from his first year at college a few weeks ago, he was able to Skype his dad with his iPhone to show him ALL the stuff in the car (Really?  We brought all that down last September?!).  Even though my husband had an unavoidable trip to Belgium that meant he wouldn’t be with us - he could be with us!  How cool is that - driving home while listening to my son having face-time with his dad...

In these last 14 days, I’ve fallen head-over-heels.

I had to make an unexpected trip to Belgium because my husband had emergency eye surgery.  Technology and timing were critical to so many things we were able to do to help him have a more comfortable experience, even though he was a continent and an ocean away…

…from using cell phone texting to find our eye doctor in the states so he could talk to my husband before the surgery, to actually getting here and using my European cell phone to access www.translate.google.com when I don’t know how to say something in French – it’s the best.tool.ever (besides pointing) for a non-linguist like me.  It will actually ‘tell’ me how to say what I want to say.  How amazing is that – to be able to ‘communicate’ in almost any language with the help of that cell phone I resisted so much in the beginning.

And back home, using my computer, writing a blog post, posting an interview, coaching via Skype, staying in touch with friends, family, and neighbors, all at a reasonable cost.

Technology is helping to bring the human race closer, communicate better and more often, make global changes in the world (even toppling dictators), and it’s helping us realize in a concrete physical way that we really are more connected than we ever knew.

But in my own little world of loved-ones all over this globe, it just brings a long overdue smile of delight and contentment to my face, and a feeling of gratefulness in my heart to be so connected whenever the need arises.

I actually feel a little lost now (don’t tell my husband or son), when I don’t have an internet connection or a way to access it.

I’m finally, whole-heartedly, committing to this enchanting seducer I’ve been trying to spurn.

Well…almost whole-heartedy.  TV remotes?   Not so much…but anything could happen!

Virtual Reality

I pick up my son up from college this week to bring him home for the summer...can't wait for him to be home for 3 months!  We have missed him and have managed to see him several times during his first year away. I made it through the first year of empty-nest...Better than I had hoped.

I realize I have a new normal - one where our son is not living under our roof -  which I think is great progress in such a short time.

But a funny thing happened during the year to help me along.  I had a true revelation right after the holidays.

I wanted a better way than texts and phone calls to stay in touch with my son.  A subtle way.  So, even though I didn’t know if he would play, I challenged him to a 'Words With Friends’  (iPhone app) competition scrabble game.  A few days went by with no response, and I thought "Nah, he’s too busy;  he doesn’t want to play;  he’s distancing himself; he’s separating…it’s ok...(sigh)."

Then…a hit!!  And he accepted.  The game began.

It was a great game - one of my best. (I’m getting a little better at it :)).  You can chat on WWF, and I tentatively sent him a short ‘good one!’ after he scored a bunch of points, and he responded.

Then I created a high-point word, and he chatted that he was still going to beat me…ah, ha!!! The competition was on!  After I created a particularly good 54 point word, he chatted back ‘uh, maybe I won’t win!’

It was great fun. 

Sometimes days would go by before he’d play his turn.  Sometimes at least 1 WHOLE day would go by before before I’d play mine, lol!  I’d get his word late at night, sometimes in the morning…sometimes in the middle of the night (we are in the same time-zone so that told me a lot about when he went to bed!).  So even if we hadn’t skyped or texted for days, it was so nice to be ‘in touch.’  And though I ‘know’ he’s ok, this is just a little bit of confirmation that he is there.  It was fun way of knowing he’s fine and giving him TONS of space.

I didn’t even think about missing him.

Except….

I wasn’t playing with my son…not my son!  I was playing with ‘golfer72’ – my son’s WWF id is ‘golferking72’ – slight error on my part!  Who was I playing with?  Good lord...

Wait…I had created my own reality all this time…MY OWN REALITY!!!

From thinking he didn't want to play, all the way to having a great game with him...in my own mind!  It was a beautiful thing.  It was funny.  I laughed…my husband laughed…my son laughed.  And it was SHOCKING.  THE best example I can give anyone about how we create our own truth, our own reality, our own life.  I know this to my core now.

And yes, my son truly was ok the whole time.  And now I know it even if we aren’t playing WWF’s!

By the way, golfer72 asked for a rematch.  I declined ;) .

********* My dear friend, Lin Eleoff, aka The Worst Mother, drew the following picture for me in honor of my newsletter launch – her rendition of the blog post you just read.  I think she caught it perfectly.  I love her.  And she’s freakin’ brilliantly hilarious.  Don’t miss her weekly wisdom at www.theworstmother.com.   Thank you, Lin! xoxo

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A Rocky Love Affair

Evolution....  Little girl self-love… Wishing for boobs, stuffing bra with Kleenex before church (getting caught!) Thinking calves too skinny, doing exercises to build them up Sneaking on eye makeup (getting caught!) Crushes on boys, imagining kissing So eager to be a teenager Comparing, despairing

Teenage self-love… Wishing for boobs :) Hating my stomach, dieting at 13 Permanently learned the calorie count for every item of food in existence Bikinis, Mini-skirts, Hot-pants So eager to be an adult Comparing, despairing

Adult self-love… Wishing I could lose 3 pounds (THREE!!!) before wedding Stomach not flat enough Resigned to my boobs – no - starting to actually like Cellulite! Watching the years pile on my body, wishing I was younger (already) Comparing, despairing

Pregnant self-love Boobs! OMG – loving my stomach! Eating for two, mindfully Did I mention cleavage?! In.My.Body In awe…no compare, no despair

Wife/Mom self-love Gain weight Lose weight Repeat Love with the lights off Wishing I was younger Comparing, despairing

Older Woman self-love Still a wife, still a mom Healthy food, moderate exercise Thankful…for my loyal body, softer, rounder…comfortably sexy Love in daylight Comparing to the me 10 years from now … appreciating what is No despair

Grateful, joyous, loving, abandon

...Loved