THIS…is an experiment – an experiment in writing a shitty first draft of a blog post in which I have not even the glimmer of an idea. What will appear on the paper in the next 30 minutes? What is it like to make yourself write when the spirit is not moving you?
How many times are we encouraged (or admonished) to live life now because this is no dress rehearsal?
Do you have ANY idea how many shitty first drafts I’ve created in the living of my life?
A shitty first draft for a blog post means you get to edit and rewrite and polish until you press the publish button. Then it is a refined and beautiful piece of work…supposedly. People love it, tons of hits on your blog, adoring comments, you feel great – it’s a giddy high to get that praise and acknowledgment.
And what have you learned?
A shitty first draft in life means you live in the rough, figuring yourself and others out as you go along. It means a crappy first, second, even third marriage. It means aborting the child from that unwanted teen pregnancy. It means losing friends over thoughtless words. It means being ungrateful and critical in your stance in life and not recognizing any joy or delight. It means being gay but getting married and pretending you are someone you aren’t. It means dealing with emotions that are uncomfortable with drugs, alcohol, or food. It means getting cancer when health is your main goal. It means staying in a loveless marriage for convenience sake.
Sometimes we try to refine the shitty first drafts (and second and third) in life by marrying again, by defeating the cancer and living with good food and exercise, by going to rehab to get to the bottom of our addictions so that we don’t zone out, by having a second family because you screwed up so badly with the first one.
And what have you learned?
It wasn’t pretty. It was sloppy. It was angry, sad, jealous, suicidal, grief-stricken, messed up human life. Even in the refining process, when we should have gotten it right.
But we continue…we make mistakes…we’re willing to screw up big time. There will be other losses, un-fixable mistakes, grief and sadness over opportunities eff’d up. (ok…one change for decorum’s sake)
And there is brilliance…a brilliance born of being human, of having an innate passion for getting it right…for us…even when our mind is not sure what ‘right’ means, our heart and spirit guide us to learning more, repeating patterns, experiencing periods of joy and contentment for longer and longer periods of time while honoring every emotion we have for its undying passion to protect and help and guide us. We merge all of our parts into one glorious human package – not edited or rewritten or polished before publication, but committed to finding our own brilliance and refined grace while getting pretty dirty along the way.
Hooray for the SFD – it leads to a life of experience and re-do’s and insight and compassion – including compassion for ourselves – and role-modeling and standing strong in our brilliance to keep trying.
Better than polished and wrapped and too pretty to even open.
Are you ready? NO? Great!! Now go PRESS the damn publish button.